believe and keep on praying

Assalamualaikum lovelies :)

just went through another crit session today with the internal judges. these past four days have been really stressful to me. not only i have to get my work done, but also my mind was occupied with some other things that apparently only i have the solution and if my decision was not right, everybody else will suffer. imagine that burden on your shoulder when you actually have just enough time for you think only one thing at a time. before this, i've heard stories from friends bout how sometimes during exam period, their brain is so full with information and no matter how hard you try to put in some more, you just cant. and you puke. literally. yea i got to experience that feeling, but luckily i did not throw up. i just got to the stage where i wish time can slow down for a while and i'll cry my eyes out for an hour or two, then i can rearrange everything back on track. but that is definitely one thing time will not do. so i carried on. thank God for Asha!! thanks for helping me through this rough patch babe! :')

being a design student, we are always push to the very edges of the cliff, by who else, but the lecturers. i think the difference between doing design studies, and theoretical studies is that, design is not about black and white, it is not about following the rules, not bout right or wrong, definitely not about being ordinary. expectations are high especially from, again, the lecturers. they want to see you go to that place nobody could ever think of going. they want you to crack your head and explore deep into reasons. sometimes it is like they're challenging you to think way far than they could. they want you to be an individual. they want the best out of you. sometimes, it is tiring to keep up with these expectations. but most of the time it motivates you to be better. a better designer. a better individual, who knows yourself well. design students are pushed to their limits it could drain you out. criticism has become part of life. being critic has become everyday's food. but it is all for the betterment and whetting the skills. we definitely dont get compliments a lot.

so after torturing myself in self pity for few days, i get to present my work to the judges today. and Alhamdulillah, the critics was ok. not too harsh. nothing major. i think the judges like them. after i finished explaining my concept and showing my works to them, one said 'i think its good' and the other one said 'yeaa. everything looks good'. ohhhh! you cant imagine how big a rafflesia flower has grown inside my heart at that very words! and one of the judges who looks somehow like Ayam (maybe they're related) said 'well done' at the end of our session. :'D can i hug you mr.Ayam-look-alike?! thank God! though there are a  few things that i have to change and some minor hiccups, i am thankful that my hard work has paid off!! :D thank u Allah.. it feels really really good when you put all your heart into it, and at the end of the day it gets the appreciation that it deserves :') and all i wanted to do after is bowing my head to the AlMighty, and celebrate it with someone who cares. ok la, anyone will do if no one cares. but at the end, i sit alone eating ice cream next to a four year-old girl in an ice-cream cafe. not even a cat is around to rub his shiny fur at my feet. life is fair..

i need you

i need you. mentally and emotionally, not only physically. i'm exhausted and miserable, and the thought of you somehow helps flip my mood a bit. but it'll be way way better to have YOU here, all eyes and ears and heart on me, even just for a minute :(

*sigh*

listen.feel.love

greetings people.

so i am in this melancholy state right now. i woke up with this smile on my face, only its upside down. i woke up by the harsh unpalatable dream, which might be caused from the way i took off to the lala land last night. or maybe my paranoia was translated into the dream? so the uneasy feeling from the night before has dragged me to the state that i am right now, affecting my sleep and affecting my mood, and definitely affecting the people around me when i'm walking around with a frown.

''you broke my heart"

i fear those words. i think that would be the words i want to hear last in my entire life. cause i heard it once, said to me by a dear friend. and it broke my heart that someone i cared a lot uttered something like that to my face, when i didnt know exactly what i did to do such damage to her. but i believed her, that she was heartbroken because of something i might accidentally did to her without realising it. and i was very very sorry for it, i still am sorry today. as i said, it was heartbreaking as well to know that i just broke someone's heart, especially when it is someone i care so much about. so i tried so much in my life not to say those four words to anyone. eventhough if it means my heart will be crushed and stamped over and over again. but i have my limit, we all do. so right now i want that one person to know that, 'you broke my heart' and i'm truly sorry that i have to tell you so. but it does really hurt that i wanted to drop down at your feet and cry my heart out. i have so many things to tell you but i know you wont listen. making you listen, and fail would add up to the number of pieces that my heart was already broken into. dont say i didnt try, cause i did. yes you heard me but you dont listen to what i'm saying. you look at me but you dont really see whats in front of you. you said you get me but you dont really try to understand how it feels inside.

i used to be this reserved person, a very private person. if someone really knows that side of me, i think it would be Asha. i dont know why, but i like to personalise my things. i like to keep my feelings and emotions inside to myself, far far away from the world to know. a friend once said i hide my emotions really well that it doesnt show on my face whether i have problem or if my heart is hurting. i always had my calm face on me, though my mind and my heart sang a different story. i am still that person today, maybe a bit if not much. i still want my life to be kept private as much as i could. i still dont want the whole world to know everything about me. cause i only want those who really know me and want to know me to really know me beneath the surface. i dont easily open up to people. i'm a pistanthrophobic. but once i let you into my world, i wont easily forget you, and i'll show you around my humble and colourful world. i'll share my candies with you, we can hug and hold hands, we can kiss and i promise wont tell, we can colour each others' hair, i will tell you everything you want to know about me, i will put your name next to mine as the co-owner of this bubbly world of ours. if you're honest, you'll stay. but if you're only in for a price, i woudnt want to look at you even if you come with a free gift.

but after you broke my heart, i am kind of being pushed back harshly into my shell. the colourful surrounding starts to fade a little. some has turned into gray. i am scared of what our world would become tomorrow with us not holding hands skipping across the valley together. i still want to catch butterflies in the park with you, i still want you to sleep on my shoulder, i always want us to be happy forever. but you're not doing the tango right.

can we polish up our steps and sway gracefully across the garden again, please?

berhenti berharap

i love you so dearly, and i know you love me back. but you dont know how to jaga my hati, and that is very heartbreaking :'(

so so so tired of being disappointed. being let down. being betrayed. being cunningly lied to. but because i only have good thoughts about people that i did what i did. i trust you, and this is what i get. sometimes i feel like going so so so far away from you, to make you realise how it feels for me not to be close and around. but i dont think thats the best way out of this mess. you might not even realise that i am gone. so maybe it is a wake up call. no more high hopes on you. yes, you can finally have your back rest cause i no longer want you to do anything for me, with me. may you find your way, and i find mine.

bye.

whole again

i could feel my chest crushing my heart to pieces that i almost black out when i found out about it. i cried for hours. and i thought to myself, how could i go to sleep with this thing on my mind and this pain in my chest.

and then i came across this video. and i am reminded that someone loves me no matter what, long before i was born. Subhanallah.

اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ

perception

confidence is always misunderstood as arrogance
opinions might be judged without listening
understanding seems impossible
impressions are made by the cover
ignorance is considered bliss
when you are actually in loss
the beauty inside remains concealed
individuality is far from being acknowledged
acceptance is tougher than you think it is
selfness prevails without second thought
hurtful words wounded the unhealed heart
we continue live life like it never happens
and yet you demand appreciation.

says who the world is fair? God who's governing the universe is, but the ungrateful human governing the system on earth isn't, and none would be. including you and me.

tell me its OK

prologue:

why is it so hard for me trust people? please tell me how to do so, cause i really need to know, and i want to trust the people around me, and i especially need to do so for i love them. but i keep holding back and stand in a corner armed with thick metal shield over my body and my heart after i gave them something. scared of being unappreciated. scarred that they did not appreciate it. making it even harder for me to not feel sorry that i have gave them a piece of me.

Shasheila! i miss you! and i miss you just because i do, ok? no hidden agenda :P just cause i looked out my window this afternoon, and the sunny weather reminds me of beaches, and beaches often remind me of clear water of islands which means holiday, and that reminds me of you. hihi next trip please!

Chisselle. i cant keep missing you. there is no way i am going to find another one like you. eventhough you're only a cat. i have to move on, but i am allowed to think of you and miss you, right bimbo? miss you like crazy Giselle :( please know that i love you so much though i always locked you out of my room. your white hair is just sooo .. light they flew all over my room.

ps: please support Earth Hour on 27th March 2010. you only have to switch off the lights and your PCs and your TVs and all of your electrical appliances for an hour. hee! thats from 8.30pm till 9.30pm and the Earth will thank you from the even bottom of the rock bottom :) :) :)

my heart speaks

whenever i'm feeling sad, or angry, and when i cant find the right person to talk to about it, one of the things that i usually go for is reading. and if there's no good book within my reach, i visit the usual blogs that i'm following for a glitz of their story in their very own life. some of these people are strangers to me that i never meet them in real life, and some are closer to me than i might even realise it. the great part of it, in the midst of trying to channel my anger or sadness in the right way, or simply trying to ignore how i'm feeling at the very moment, i amazingly found that these people are pouring their very own heart in their blog, and some are exactly how i'm feeling inside and what's been sitting ferociously in my mind wanting to get out but i dont have the words to let it out correctly. these writers, despite being younger than i am, i found peace and calmness reading what they have to say about themselves. it is comforting to know that somewhere in this world, there are people out there who think almost the same like i do and feel almost similar like i do when comes to certain things or acts. it reminds me of the reason why i started following those blogs - i feel i could relate to them when i first read their posts. i instantly light up, knowing that i am not the only one in the world who feels injustice when someone do something that i think isn't right; or when someone you trust to keep a secret spread it like its the hottest gossip on earth; or how lost you feel when someone close to you dies; or when you found the hard truth that you can no longer call your best friend a best friend; and when you learn how to be more forgiving, or unforgiving as you grow older. i feel understood though they didnt tell it right to my face, but knowing that what we have in mind are almost similar in a strange kind of way, i think it is sufficient.

and so i dont go find looking for other people to talk to about my feelings. cause i often get disappointing respond whenever i try to tell them. heartbroken, i'm just looking for someone to listen to what i have to say, i dont really need you to agree to everything i say, or provide solution to my sorrow, just spend a little time to listen and be my third shoulder. but again, people have their own life to live. if its not mockery, its them stirring the conversation in a completely different direction although i'm already in gear one of my story. thus i find its hard enough to trust anyone with how i'm feeling right now. i dont tell everything about myself to only one person. i go in phases. parts that i think i could share with her, i tell her. parts that would excite him, i tell him. parts that would make us talk like there's no tomorrow, i tell her. parts that i think only he would be interested, i tell him. so i have good friends all over the place that i could talk about certain things, but sadly i have no best friend to share about everything. maybe i am too judgmental, but hey, thats how everyone is in our very own kind of way. some are too conservative, some are too modernised, some are too westernised and some are just too egoist to start making contact.

in a way, that is how i started with this blog. having to always keep a diary of my own, and having my thought screaming silently to be heard, and also for the lack of determination to pick up a pen and a paper, i thought i might as well start this web log thingy that everyone's been doing. my anxiety of starting a blog fueled by one friend, or two, who did say i have a thing with words that touch the emotional part of the heart. it was said that blogging is one way to channel what's inside your mind, and to express who you really are, and the world be your audience and you have all the rights to say what you want to say. but there are person out there who are too sensitive with the harsh truth, they'll get all sensitive and condemn you in every possible way over something you posted on your own blog, who cant accept the opinion of others and what more to respect others. so what am i supposed to do if one of my closest friend who i thought would accept me for who i am of all people fall in those type of people who cant respect others' opinion? again and again, i try not to hurt people's feeling in the best way possible cause i know for certain heartache is the most painful disease of all. again and again, i keep my distance from people so we won't get too close and thus we can't hurt each other. shamefully, i admit, i often run away from people, from trouble, always want to make things right with people, and often misunderstood. how could i be frank and say something i feel in my heart and what i think in my mind if i know it would hurt someone i care about? so there goes the freedom of speech.

so when is it that i could really open up my heart to really trust one person with everything that i feel inside? maybe that person is already right in front of me all along. but i keep getting hurt by everyone around in different kind of ways. maybe i should stop being too vulnerable. or maybe i should learn how to be more forgiving, stop over thinking and move on faster.

for all my family members, friends, acquaintances, enemies, foes, each and everyone who had crossed path with me for almost 24 years of my life, i thank you very much for every little single thing that you ever did for me. for the smiles, for the hugs, for the stares, for the gazes, for supporting me, for believing in me, for pushing me, for pulling me, for the compliments, for the critics, for the smirk, for ignoring me, for making me laugh, for making me cry, for making me scream, for making me happy, for making me sad, for making me confused, for giving, for caring, for wanting, for waiting, for asking, for answering, for the prayers, for the guidance, for the friendship, for the funs, for the hardship, for the betrayal, for inspiring, for making me, for breaking me, for forgiving, for the apologies, for the hatred and for the love. if any of the mentioned above did not happen to me, i wont be where i am today, i am not who i am today and i wont be experiencing the experience that i proudly have so far, for experience is one thing that cannot be manipulated by anyone and certainly cannot be taken away from me.

above all, i thank Allah SWT for making all and everything happened, for giving me a Rope to hold unto, and bringing nur into my heart for me to see things clearly.

quoting a friend, "When Allah SWT brings you to it, He will bring you through it"

Subhanallah.

jovial Monday

i fell asleep with a big lump of emotion in my heart. didnt even realise how i could doze off in such shape. and i woke up to the songs of the birds chirping happily outside my window. as i take a peek from my off-white curtain, Monday greeted me with jovial blue sky with thick white clouds over the green shades of the palm tree out my window. i instantly light up and forgo what happened the night before, and made a new vow upon my own happiness. think about it folks, how easily God makes us happy - a slight of blue and white and green, plus infinite dreams of tomorrow. it made me think, if i were to wake up in other places other than Kuching this morning, would i be greeted with such fine art? take for example if i woke up in KL, i might be greeted with the scratching sound Giselle made on my door and her chasing over Yui once i opened the door. and when i finally make my exit from the house, i shall be greeted by honking cars and polluted air of urban life. and people say, how we start our day IS significant, no?

read this from a friend's page who got it from somewhere else. lets ponder upon it, coz it is SO true :)

"Sometimes, Allah SWT breaks our spirit to save our soul. He breaks our heart to make us whole. He sends us pain so we can be stronger. He sends us failure so we can be humble. He sends us illness so we can take care of ourselves. Sometimes Allah SWT takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us. Allah SWT Is Great."

summer on a rainy sunday

it was a wet sunday evening. it didnt rain all the time though. one minute its pouring and windy like your umbrella's going to help you lift off the ground, and one minute there's no single drop of rain on the front screen of your car that the wiper makes the annoying screeching sound as it sweeps the dry glass. another minute, its raining cats and dogs again as if trying not to give in to those who are hoping to jog in the park. if i have the right companion, i would have driven to the beach. no. i would have asked my companion to drive, and i would enjoy watching the rain drops hit the window screen of the car. or i would sing to the songs on the radio. or i would watch my companion drives (not applicable if my companion is a girl). and hopefully, the rain stops when i arrive at the beach allowing me to run from an end to another. i dont ask much, just a period of time for me to reach the other end, thats sufficient enough to make my day :)

instead, i stayed in. watched (500) days of summer, despite the heavy rain outside. it is a bit complicated to my in-depth understanding. but its not the typical story about love, so the next scene is always unpredictable. and it does not have a happy ending. it is somehow like a reality check, like it is not happy ending all the time. but an end will always be followed by a new beginning. so there goes another chance to find happiness at the end of it. and hopefully the next new beginning will ends the same, and the one after that, and after that... ooh and i love the part where they played husband and wife in Ikea. just too sweet :)

so today started off good, had fun picking up vegetables in the market. went gaga over the sea of fruits. i almost bought every one of them if its not for agent 767 was with me, and was already salivating for a toast by the time i picked the oranges. so i pushed the other fruits into my shopping list for next week.

Mak just called.. :) can i call it a day, already?

truth hurts

 i'm sarcastic, and i'm judgmental. i'm not all-sweet afterall :)

so i was told not to expect. if you think about it, funny how many can easily said that to us in the means to cool us down when we're in the hard situation. but when comes the times they're the ones who're in the shoe, they DO expect us to do things they expect us to do. without shame, asking for it some more.. you're a bit selfish aren't you? :) cliche enough, but, havent you tired of hearing 'treat others like how you expect to be treated'? or maybe you just forget.. ooh, its ok then. we're humans afterall.. :)

ps: and so i was reminded with sheila's collection of words of wisdom: their happiness is not our responsibilities. i can apply it here, can't i sheila? hee

happiness...

...surely didnt stick too long. i've learned a BIG lesson. instead of waiting for it to come. i must seek for it, or at the very least chance of finding it, i shall run away from it. so next year will be different i suppose.

exhausted.

sunyi sepi

i either scream or cry.
i either crawl or standstill.

i respect the way you could stand so strong despite what happened.
i admire you didn't lose your sense of humor after all you've been through.
i think highly of your sacrifices you made for the betterment of the people around you.
i look up at what you have, and who you are, and where you stand today.

i want to smile and jump.
i want to laugh and run in circles.
i want to be like you.

but its easier to cry. even easier when no one's around. much easier when no one asked.

but its hard to shed the first tear. tell me how pls...

poignant-ly

prologue:

the evenings do not feel the same lately. it used to be calming and soothing. ironically, it is filled with emptiness these days despite of raya was here yesterday. it does bring back the memory of staying in one late evening four years ago, though. it could be the result of you draining out of this cozy zone of ours leaving me in this corner, alone and clueless. you've got to do what you've got to do, i get it. so this is me accepting whats before me.

for five years, i've came home to Kuching a few days before raya and gone back to KL a few days after the celebration. i must say, it is the norm of being a Kuchingite studying in the Peninsular Malaysia. those who have to ride on that plane across the country - including me once upon a time ago, would feel devastated and refused to go back to their unis or workplaces too soon as being home in Kuching with family and friends feels much better than staying in unfamiliar places especially when comes the aidilfitri festival. i was in this situation before. i could feel a big lump forming in my heart as i leave me family behind waving goodbyes 10 metres away. i could feel my legs getting heavier with each steps i took to the immigration check-in counter. i could feel the nausea of having to board a one hour and 45 minutes ride on an airplane and arrived on another land in spite of still being in the same country. i would cry once i reached my room with the memory of the first few days of raya still playing in my mind. and i would lose my appetite for days as the result of being homesick. i was there, i've done that. this year, as i am now not a student no more, i was in Kuching months before raya and i am planning to stay even months after raya. i may not feel as devastated as before, but i feel worse. as people slowly flock out of Kuching, i silently watch Kuching gets quieter by minute. it is painful and sad to watch them go away from Kuching even for a good cause - cousins going back to their unis, brother packing up things to get back to workplace, friends rushing to have an evening out together not wanting to miss the opportunity of being here in Kuching. and that is not all. it is also heartbreaking to watch the streets and roads get dark again without the festivities light of raya; to see the most bright and happy house being dark and dull after a week of raya; to be alone in the car cruising round the town not knowing where to stop for a drink; to come back home without the usual sound and sight of brothers playing PS3; and not having to look up at the sky every half an hour to watch the bright colourful fireworks dancing proudly above our heads.

so for those who are still feeling homesick of your hometown after a great week of raya, or even for those who are still in your hometown whom are waiting for your time to leave, just remember, you are not the only one feeling all sad and miserable. those whom you left behind are feeling more poignant than you are to have pick the pieces you left when you're gone, especially your parents.

so cherish where you are today, literally ;)


fireworks on the eve of raya 2009 : viewing from my house, with Mak, Abang and Farhana :) :)

50 sen

i always sucks at goodbyes. especially when it comes to saying goodbye to Apiz. even the daily goodbye uttered every time he sends me back home after an outing together, that is hard too. tee-hee! today's goodbye was also hard, but i played it cool. i did my very best not to break down into tears in front of you beby, but shamefully i already did last night before you came with motor gangster ;p by the time i reach home this morning, i felt empty already, having to think of Apiz is already halfway across the sea. no more late night teasing, no more rushing for movies, no more fighting for cheese, no more punching and slapping - at least not in the near future. thank God my day turned out good in the evening and gets better at night. actually tonight was superb. haven't laughed my anak tekak out like just now in a long time. and never before i've seen anyone who're really curious who eats all types of biskut raya there is on the table. thank you Kak Nadea and Kak Yan. hehe

despite all, i still miss Apiz and i always want to be close to you, and above all, i want my 50sen :) :)

mudah saja

why is it that i get hurt too easily? why is it that when someone promised something, i hold on to that promise and wait and wait for nothing to happen? funnier when i know nothing is going to happen. i keep having hopes and putting faith in people. well the wrong people it seems. and i keep hurting myself.

maybe it isnt your fault. maybe its mine. but this is just too wrong. i feel betrayed, cheated and fooled. i know this is the time of the period when you would come back and say all those nice sweet things. and by the end of this phase, we'll be back to being strangers again. i admit that you're good at manipulating my feelings. you make me feel like you care, then you give me the silent treatment, and when i demand all those promises back from you, you act like nothing happened. ironically, thats the problem - NOTHING happened.

these feelings are just too unbearable. its unfair. dont make promises if you dont intend to keep them or EVEN to remember you've made one. i think i could live better that way then having to wait for your promises to come true. and stop saying you understand coz you dont. please dont do this to me again. i dont want to go through this again, resenting what you've done, yet at the same time, loving you and still wanting you to be around :( :( :(

the beach boy

coming home to Kuching this time around feels a little bit different. something has changed somehow, in a way, but i really cant tell what is that 'something'. maybe its the phase where my life is in an intersection whereby i'm puzzled of where my next direction is.

despite the funny feeling i have inside my mind and my heart, i'm truly thankful that i'm home and all the beauties here kinda make me at the end of the day..

the cloud always looks good whenever i passed Jln Tun Jugah.

the starry night above my roof always makes me feel like crying if i stare at it more than two minutes.

laksa sarawak never fails me (ok la, maybe once or twice).

teh c peng always tastes good at anytime of the day.

Fluffy's stare always makes me want to bite her and chew her all at once.

the trees by the roadside always makes me feel safe and calm.

the complete dosage of laughters is best prescribed by agent 767.

Jln Pilu will always be a mystery yet nostalgic.

late evening sunny weather is the best weather ever.

and i fall in love again today.

this time, i fall for the beach boy...