whenever i'm feeling sad, or angry, and when i cant find the right person to talk to about it, one of the things that i usually go for is reading. and if there's no good book within my reach, i visit the usual blogs that i'm following for a glitz of their story in their very own life. some of these people are strangers to me that i never meet them in real life, and some are closer to me than i might even realise it. the great part of it, in the midst of trying to channel my anger or sadness in the right way, or simply trying to ignore how i'm feeling at the very moment, i amazingly found that these people are pouring their very own heart in their blog, and some are exactly how i'm feeling inside and what's been sitting ferociously in my mind wanting to get out but i dont have the words to let it out correctly. these writers, despite being younger than i am, i found peace and calmness reading what they have to say about themselves. it is comforting to know that somewhere in this world, there are people out there who think almost the same like i do and feel almost similar like i do when comes to certain things or acts. it reminds me of the reason why i started following those blogs - i feel i could relate to them when i first read their posts. i instantly light up, knowing that i am not the only one in the world who feels injustice when someone do something that i think isn't right; or when someone you trust to keep a secret spread it like its the hottest gossip on earth; or how lost you feel when someone close to you dies; or when you found the hard truth that you can no longer call your best friend a best friend; and when you learn how to be more forgiving, or unforgiving as you grow older. i feel understood though they didnt tell it right to my face, but knowing that what we have in mind are almost similar in a strange kind of way, i think it is sufficient.
and so i dont go find looking for other people to talk to about my feelings. cause i often get disappointing respond whenever i try to tell them. heartbroken, i'm just looking for someone to listen to what i have to say, i dont really need you to agree to everything i say, or provide solution to my sorrow, just spend a little time to listen and be my third shoulder. but again, people have their own life to live. if its not mockery, its them stirring the conversation in a completely different direction although i'm already in gear one of my story. thus i find its hard enough to trust anyone with how i'm feeling right now. i dont tell everything about myself to only one person. i go in phases. parts that i think i could share with her, i tell her. parts that would excite him, i tell him. parts that would make us talk like there's no tomorrow, i tell her. parts that i think only he would be interested, i tell him. so i have good friends all over the place that i could talk about certain things, but sadly i have no best friend to share about everything. maybe i am too judgmental, but hey, thats how everyone is in our very own kind of way. some are too conservative, some are too modernised, some are too westernised and some are just too egoist to start making contact.
in a way, that is how i started with this blog. having to always keep a diary of my own, and having my thought screaming silently to be heard, and also for the lack of determination to pick up a pen and a paper, i thought i might as well start this web log thingy that everyone's been doing. my anxiety of starting a blog fueled by one friend, or two, who did say i have a thing with words that touch the emotional part of the heart. it was said that blogging is one way to channel what's inside your mind, and to express who you really are, and the world be your audience and you have all the rights to say what you want to say. but there are person out there who are too sensitive with the harsh truth, they'll get all sensitive and condemn you in every possible way over something you posted on your own blog, who cant accept the opinion of others and what more to respect others. so what am i supposed to do if one of my closest friend who i thought would accept me for who i am of all people fall in those type of people who cant respect others' opinion? again and again, i try not to hurt people's feeling in the best way possible cause i know for certain heartache is the most painful disease of all. again and again, i keep my distance from people so we won't get too close and thus we can't hurt each other. shamefully, i admit, i often run away from people, from trouble, always want to make things right with people, and often misunderstood. how could i be frank and say something i feel in my heart and what i think in my mind if i know it would hurt someone i care about? so there goes the freedom of speech.
so when is it that i could really open up my heart to really trust one person with everything that i feel inside? maybe that person is already right in front of me all along. but i keep getting hurt by everyone around in different kind of ways. maybe i should stop being too vulnerable. or maybe i should learn how to be more forgiving, stop over thinking and move on faster.
for all my family members, friends, acquaintances, enemies, foes, each and everyone who had crossed path with me for almost 24 years of my life, i thank you very much for every little single thing that you ever did for me. for the smiles, for the hugs, for the stares, for the gazes, for supporting me, for believing in me, for pushing me, for pulling me, for the compliments, for the critics, for the smirk, for ignoring me, for making me laugh, for making me cry, for making me scream, for making me happy, for making me sad, for making me confused, for giving, for caring, for wanting, for waiting, for asking, for answering, for the prayers, for the guidance, for the friendship, for the funs, for the hardship, for the betrayal, for inspiring, for making me, for breaking me, for forgiving, for the apologies, for the hatred and for the love. if any of the mentioned above did not happen to me, i wont be where i am today, i am not who i am today and i wont be experiencing the experience that i proudly have so far, for experience is one thing that cannot be manipulated by anyone and certainly cannot be taken away from me.
above all, i thank Allah SWT for making all and everything happened, for giving me a Rope to hold unto, and bringing nur into my heart for me to see things clearly.
quoting a friend, "When Allah SWT brings you to it, He will bring you through it"
Subhanallah.
