butterfly has bred

Alhamdulillah, praises and gratitude to Allah SWT.

I'm engaged :)

ada bunga dalam hati

Hafiz! ♥

dudes

Assalamualaikum and hello people!

i've been hooked with some videos on YouTube for these past few days, when i actually should be doing my designs.. ergghh! the videos are addictive and the titles are ridiculous that they are so tempting :P i'm sure some of you out there are already subscribers to Ryan Higa, or Kevin Wu, or the Wong Fu (the one who made Strangers, Again short film i posted before!), but if you're not, check them out yeaaa! they'll seriously make your day! especially Ryan..? nope! scratch that! Kev's dad will make your day! this one made me laugh the hardest so far, now its your turn! laugh out loud y'all!

i was so addicted to Kevin and his dad that i look for all videos containing his dad. thinking bout his dad actually makes me smile, like what i'm doing now. haha and then.. i found a few videos where Kevin talked bout their adventures on Amazing Race and some footage from the show. and then i remembered! yess i watched that season of Amazing Race before! but how come i did not recognise them? but i do remember the father and son team in which the father is so funny and zealous while the son is so cute :P well, what i remember most is the dad was so old-looking that i was amazed that he could go on to all those crazy challenges. you know how Amazing Race goes about right? and it's not Amazing Race Asia, its the US version. you can be Papa Jumba's (that's what he calls himself) fan on Fcaebook too you know! just search for PapaJumba, i guess. hahaha i dont know why i'm advertising him so much :P

this next video is a music video made by Ryan, Kevin & Chester. by the way, i think Chester is an amazing singer :) and this song i think is fully sang by him. correct me if i'm wrong. any Chester's fan out there? there are actually two versions of the video. one made for Ryan, one for Kevin. i cant really decide which one i like better, coz i love them both (i mean those guys not the videos) in a different way. hihihihihihi how about you decide!

Ryan's version:


Kev's version:

Apiz mesti menyampah, 'another vlogger??' i think he menyampah with matluthfi90 already coz i always talk bout his videos. well i like them for a reason (or reasons? since there's a few of them). like, matluthfi's videos are always tucked with messages whether you realised it or not, and they're funny. it's like each of his video is an art masterpiece by itself. higa's videos are fun & light watching and the faces he made are hilarious rasa mok tampar. kev's videos feature his dad which is the absolute winner! hahaha and wong fu's videos are like alas perut if you're craving for good movies :)

another reason, watching them reminds me of Apiz sometimes. like watching Nice Guys' video. nice guys dont usually finish last, from my pov. nice guys are the one i look for first and want to end up with, like Apiz. Apiz doesnt exactly pull my chair (no need lah kot, if we're only dining at McDonald kan??), or give me his jacket when i'm cold (sikda nya nak cold gilak rah Malaysia tok) and he definitely tells me i look fat when i look fat. but he also drives me around eventhough sometimes he has extremely bad headache, or when he's so sleepy that he takes a nap between green lights, and he always picks up my calls even when he's in a meeting and all i wanted to know was how to make the print screen thingy works :P all i'm trying to say is, Apiz is my nice guy, my first guy actually, and yeah i would like to have him as my last guy :) :)

one or another

Assalamualaikum wbt :)

i was once asked by a male friend, ''when are you getting married?'' and i said, ''when i'm ready'' and he asked again, ''ready for what?'' i went, ''ready to take care of my husband'' and he said back, ''why do you think you have to take care of him? why is it not him who's taking care of you?'' i stared blankly at him with eyes wide open. i was taken aback. i never really give that a thought. seriously, that coming from a guy, was really a mind boggling.

i'm not the best person to talk bout relationship. i've been in one relationship with this dude since year 2000, which makes us .. 11 years plus plus now? well, i seriously stop counting after year tenth. though it is a whole ten years of a love story, i cant say that i know everything bout being in a relationship, let alone bout this species they say hails from Mars. yes, of course i learn alot from the years of being in love with one person. i know how he acts around elder people and how he treats his parents with honour, respect and passion. i know the exact word to say to tick him off. i remembered him saying how happy he was that SPM is over, that he wanted to kick me. not all that romantic, i know. its just him expressing his feelings in the weirdest choice of words. but no worries, he did NOT kick me. i watched him took those nervous proud steps on his graduation day 2 years ago. i watched him grow from a boy to a man :) what i'm saying is, being in this single relationship for this long of a period, is different from being in a few different relationships with different people. i could not compare him to another man, coz i dont know any other man. i could not feel different type of treatment, coz he's just being his oneself. i dont get to be introduced to different sets of friends, or even families. but what i could do is, i can anytime and anywhere say ''Dear! you remember that one afternoon we went to the beach and you adopted some siput to become your pets? who goes to the beach in the afternoon, seriously? anyway, you were really taking care of them by not letting them out of your sight .. eventhough they were only digging into sands to protect themselves from a creepy foster dad like you. and then after you finished your Baywatch moment we ate homemade bihun goreng together on the deck. you remember that baby? now what year was that again??'' or .... ''what was your birthday present to me when i turned 21? what did i get you? did i already give you a watch? oh crap i'm out of things to give for your birthday!'' i'm just trying to say that i can reminisce all the sweet and not too sweet moments we went through together anytime without him saying ''i never did that with you?!! // *weird stare at you* // who the heck are you thinking of right now???! // *awkward silence* // *knowing gesture* // *sulking on 1 party, or both*''

i am actually trying to say all relationships need give and take. (errr i dont think i get that message across quite correctly) like what my Justin Baby Bieber says in one of his songs 'it supposed to be some give and take, i know' a relationship doesnt work if there is only 1 part playing Romeo, nor wont it work if only 1 pair of legs doing the tango. doesnt really matter if you're in a 10-year love affair or 3 months cupid stricken, but it does matter how you treat each other with respect and much love through out every triumph and trouble. everyone needs a shoulder to cry on every now and then. behind a man's success, always stands a woman whom he cant do it without; and behind a woman's success, syurga tetap di bawah tapak kaki suami. eh?

so bottom line, do you want to be with your loved one coz you want to be taken care of, or do you want to be together so you can take care of each other for as long as Allah wills you? :)

for a short tazkirah in Ramadhan, Nabi Sulaiman AS once said to his son ''it is better to walk behind a tiger and big snakes which are black, rather than walking behind a woman''. women is the least failed weapon used by the shaitan to destruct men and make them go astray. so, in the holy month of Ramadhan, it might be a good start for all of us to learn to lower our gaze unto the opposite sex. quoting a friend: ''the more sacrifice a person makes (in controlling the gaze) the greater will be the elevation in spirituality. Ibn Qayyum rahamatullahi alayh said that a person who dies without repenting from the sin of casting lustful gazes will be deprived of seeing Allah the Most High.''

Salam Ramadhan all :) :) :)

on randomness #1

hey beautiful people! just wanna share random things thats on my mind, or should i say, the things that i actually wanted to post before but very lazy to finish writing the whole thing, so i'll just summarise all (or maybe save some for later :p) in this entry. ok?

i went to Australia recently. Adelaide & Melbourne to be exact. Adelaide is in the south of Australia while Melbourne is an hour (++) flight journey to the east of Adelaide. if i am not mistaken :p the weather was just nice. hot but breezy in the day, while chill but not freezing at night. but you'll wake up with a very cold feet in the morning. so wear those fluffy cute pair winter socks to sleep hokay! :D

i mean these:

told you its fluffy and comel right?? as my feet are experiencing winter all year long during the night, i continue wearing them to sleep here in Malaysia too! haha

morning in Adelaide. in the CBD.

 late evening in Adelaide. this is the beautiful Glenelg beach!

night in Adelaide. in the city.

 found this poster at a bus stop in Glenelg. notice the punchline: 'Golden Gaytime'? well, i took this because i wanted to show it to Apiz but keep on forgetting. until we both fell in love with krushers last week! it is actually yummms! hehehe definitely golden gaytime!! ;p

the street pianos! this was the one in front of University of Adelaide.

 this was the one in Rundle Mall.

and this is the one in Adelaide's Airport! and one more thing bout the airport, people can send the passengers off til the boarding gate!! like even if you're not going to board the plane, you can still walk in, go through all the security checkpoint and send off your family or friends till the gate e.g. gate 7, gate 24, gate R (Kuching Intl Airport ada gate R)! how awesome is that??? :D

eh. malas dah mok cita bout Melbourne. hehe coz i wanna share lotsa photos i took in Melbourne. i'll save it for later share it with you guys in a latter post okay? like you care kan if i post it or not. hehe prasan jeh ;p lemme just say, as much as i super love the streets i walked up and down in Melbourne, the cold weather so i have the chance to wear my leather jacket (ahah!), the interconnected shopping malls and the free city circle tram, like i said before, nothing tops a salam given to me by a stranger upon entering the tram to St. Kilda beach :) her smile affected my mood, and her salam affected my soul, til this day. i might sound like i'm exaggerating, but i was desperate for a hint of familiarity after six days being in a foreign country where you scrutinies every ingredient of each meal. it was an amazing feeling, i felt recognised and it made me feel that i wasnt alone :') after experiencing such a huge impact on the street of Melbourne and knowing how a simple salam could help someone feel much much better, i say it out to strangers at every chance that i got in Melbourne, the Muslim ones of course :) and having them answering the salaam, it just clicked in my heart that someone else in this foreign land believes in what i believe, and i smile to myself while continuing my walk :) :) :)

lets move on to a cute situation. cute? erghh. ok you decide if its cute after you read this conversation:

one fine evening, we were in the car, i was wearing my purple contact lens, a few days after Apiz's 25th birthday...

Apiz: Atenn...nangga dunia sik jadi rona purple ka?

Aten: haaa?? (i thought he was berbual kosong and trying to be cute..)

Apiz: smua-smua tok, urang. sik jadi rona purple kaa?

Aten: (gave him the stare for 2 seconds...) aie aoklah semua tok jadi rona purple (i played along lah konon)

Apiz: aih MENA KAH??

Aten: aiee.. (i realised he was asking innocently) aoklah semua urang jadi rona purple kedak Barney. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Apiz: ????????

Aten: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (tetak goleng-goleng.. ok tipu coz sekpat goleng dalam motor)

awwwesome! - Barney Stinson

on a slightly different note, i came across this short film just now, it is somewhat sad. but this used to be my number one fear once upon a time, before i started dating anyone, before i like Apiz :) i used to think 'what if it didnt work out? would we say 'hi' if we bump into each other on the street afterwards? would it feel awkward if i see him holding someone else's hand when he was supposed to hold mine?' i pray hard that we wont be strangers ever, in the future. InsyaAllah :) now seat back and watch this. pssst.. you might need a piece or two of tissues to wipe those crocodile tears.

i like the butterflies in the stomach part the best! Alhamdulillah the butterflies in mine & Apiz's stomach are still flying around happily and i think they doubled their amount by 10000000x :D (mainly coz of the growing size of our tummies! kidding!) and recently Apiz claimed that he has butterflies in his legs. maybe it bears the same meaning as jelly legs kan? hihihi i am glad that although Apiz is now 25, he still acts like a five-year-old boy sometimes :p

now lets soothe it out and call it a day with this video. i love that Yuna involves Qi in every opportunity that she could get. then again, she was thinking of him anyways when she wrote this right? ;)

if only i could make one of those love notes fall on Apiz's shoulder now, wherever he might be :)

long overdue love story

Friday, 10.12.10 :

i was in the bookstore today

i was damn sure you were not with me

cause i came alone

but somehow i could smell your perfume

i thought to myself, someone else here must have worn the same brand as you

and then i sensed it again

i looked around

no one just passed by, especially not you

just the same people standing nearby - same bunch of women

i continued reading

again, i sensed it

i tried to get closer to the person next to me

in case she was the one who sent those scent to my nostrils

nope, not her

i moved to another station

and then i think your scent was following me

i kept looking back as i smell the familiar fragrance of yours

wondering if you were really there

creepily, i was walking alone

i tried to smell my clothes in case i was fooling myself all along

na-ah, not that either

at some point i wished i see you smiling cheekily standing not far waiting for me to find you

but you're not random like that

so i just settled for it to be a cute mystery yet unsolved

oh, how much i missed you...

love, always~

i may not understand why you do what you do, sometimes. i also dont know why you say what you say, at times. maybe next time i'll ask instead of pretending like i know. and when i give you the cold shoulder after, or treat you with silent gaze and stare, i cool down by thinking how much i am in love with you, that sometimes its not entirely your fault that i'm pissed, and  i also realised that no matter how mad i am at you, i still want to be next to you and not ever want you to step out of my life. i need you to know, i always love you, in all kinds of emotion and condition. ALL the time.

letter to Apiz

after a rollercoaster of bitter-sweet yet passionate and sturdy 10 years of love, i thought we were getting better at this long-distance thingy. at least i think i was stronger - that i could do this anytime anywhere. i admit it'll be a bit too conceited to claim that i could do this better than before. that i promise myself no more crying at the airport, no more melancholy silence in the car the night before we parted, no more 'goodbyes' but instead we say 'see you soon' - coz we do this ALL.THE.TIME. when in fact, i think i got worse. i turn from doing good to suck. and i think i suck even more right now that i'm missing you to the point that i do not know what to do. just got off the phone with you. but it didnt seem enough. i still wana hear you talk, even in your most gibberish sleepiest voice. even after seeing you for a whole day, it still didnt seem enough. i still wana watch you even when you're doing nothing but sleep while we're in the movie. you are like my vacation. my joy. my punch bag. my bestest buddy. my all. everything that i've seen, heard and touch, i want to share them with you. i want to run to you after an argument with a family member. i want to talk to you after a misunderstanding with a friend. i want to let you know what a stranger just told me. and i want to be the most with you after we had our very own quarrel, to make up with you and just melt one more time in your tender love. i enjoy being close to you. to have someone to run to when things get bad. someone to give me shoulders to cry on when the world seem evil from all sides. someone to give me a full warm hug when i just simply need one. someone i can whisper all my dreams and fears and tell me to dream bigger cause it is absolutely free-of-charge to do so. someone to always want to keep me safe and happy. someone who appreciate my presence and make me feel belonged. i think i've grown dependent on you. and dare i said, i was waiting for this day to come, where i've come out from my own bubble and join you in our bubble. sorry i made you wait, dear. i want you and the world to know that i love you til the end.

Di sudut termenung jauh
Mengenangkan nasib kita
Kita miliki separuh
Berbentuk hati cinta namanya

Walau kau jauh
Ku sentiasa menunggumu
Inginku imbas kembali memori

Walau kau jauh
Ku berjanji kan terus tunggu
Dipisah lautan biru

Ku mahu kau tahu
Aku kan terus menunggu

Jaga benar gambarku dalam telefon bimbitmu
Jangan pernah sekali kau buang
Seperti cinta ini yang terbuku
Akan bersemi jua

Terus menunggu
Kita kan bersatu
Terus menunggu
Ku mahu kau tahu

so i think i can dance

i dreamt of Apiz. moving so fast like when you fast forward a video of people walking. like in cartoon motion. but muted. i laughed so hard watching him trying to amuse me. i think i was literally covering my mouth as i giggled in my sleep. and i woke up missing him more than ever. and the best part is, he did amuse me in the dream, and he did make me start my wednesday with smiles :) :) :)

i fall in love again last night. with a girl. named Katee. i love the way she moves. her smiles. the way her body flows loosely to the rhythm of the beat. she's one of the finalist in So You Think You Can Dance season 4. i know. they're about to start season 7 now - in 2010. season 4 is like way back in 2008. i'm cute like that u see, being not up-to-date with reality tv programmes. haha did i just call myself cute? hahaha and i never thought SYTYCD (cant they name the programme shorter like.. Dance Dance Dance?) is that fun, thats why i always switched to other channel if that programme was showing, but i'm glad i didn't last night. anyways, Katee was soooo VERY amazing and graceful. i first watched her dance with the winner of the season, Joshua, dancing to Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. i think my jaw dropped straight down to the floor once they started swaying their body swiftly to that soothing song of John Mayer. oh and i didnt pick up my jaw back until the dance routine was over. i watched the series again this afternoon and once again i was blown away by Katee and Joshua. also by Katee's shiny personality. how easily i fall in love kan? with a girl some more... and thats my story of falling in love with a girl within three minutes of watching her moves. and thats how i fall in love with dancing. i wanna do that too! i always have this dream i can dance gracefully like a ballet dancer. but i have two left feet you see. but i can work on it. oh that reminds me of a travel documentary i watched hosted by Asha Gill. she was in Spain and tried to learn tango from a Spanish old man who is also an artist. they practiced and practiced and Asha keep on tripping. Asha said to the Spanish man :

"i'm sooo sorry.. i have two left feet!"

and he said:

"it's OK. i have two wives."

hihihi how cheeky cute is that old man?? two days later, they tango-ed in front of a crowd, on a white canvas, a plate of red paint in the centre of the canvas, and as they danced, their shoes will get in the plate and out on the canvas, and at the end of it an art piece was created!

bottom line: watch more of SYTYCD, and i will think i can dance. so i think. hee hee hee!

you are heartless if you dont love these moves:

letter to Apiz

helo my beby..

it's 2010. finally, a new year is here, after all that happened in 2009. i would like to think that i am wiser today than i am on 1 January last year. i hope i am. do you think i am? well, maybe you couldnt tell coz i turned into a kid when i'm with you. (well thats coz you kinda pull me into that direction *grins*) and when i try to talk seriously like an adult with you *ehem* you'll start making funny remarks or faces and i'll join you. see how easily i got carried away by you AND how easily you influence me into doing stupid-fun things. hehehe and that is exactly what we're best at. having fun TOGETHER and at the same time appear ridiculous and fall deeply in love with each exertion.

remember how we started off the year beby? yes. the p***t incident. fun wasn't it? i was shaking ok. haha i scared we tenggelam in the mud! hahaha and the after party we had at bing!? the nite we laid out all of our hopes and dreams and wishes for the year 2009. i must say, out of the seven that i made, i only managed to fulfill three of them. the seventh, which is one of the three wishes, i hope is the biggest achievement and influencial among all.i vowed to make more people happy. i hope i made people happy. i hope i made many people happy. i hope i made more people happy than yesteryears. i hope i made you happy, beby.

i personally think that 2009 is the most educational year ever. i achieved a lot, made some new friends, reunited myself with some good old friends, found myself in crossroads over and over again, laughed my heart out often, cried my eyeballs out much, got a bachelor degree, fell in love everyday, awed by beauty always, found new fixations along the way, lost an uncle, amazed by the strength of a woman, decided human's behaviour stays a mystery, still wondering if magic is really magic, lost a beloved pet, pressured by the wall surrounding, floated on several cloud nine, learned to swim on my back, spent time with my sister, took care of Farhana for 45 days all on my own, welcomed lots of new kittens over the year, bid farewell to Kak Tina, and reached the highest degree of redha and tawakkal if anything happened to my parents while they're performing their hajj. for all that'd happened, i am truly thankful to Allah SWT for i might have stumbled along the way, but i did not fall out of love. i might have hurt ocassionally, but i've grew stronger after each episode. and i am thankful whole-heartedly that my parents are back from their vey own jihad safe and sound. and on the evening of 31 December 2009, after a rough morning of a harsh news about Giselle's departure, i saw His beauty once again, which reminded me that every sky has a silver lining. and i'm happy that i shared the evening with you, beby.

 rainbow on 31 December 2009

the eighth wish, the one that you made for me. you made me promise to make myself happy. being where i am this moment, with what i've seen thus far, and what it makes out of me today, i am happy. so i guess i've achieved the ultimate dream and wish and hope of 2009, and thanks to you who made me made that promise. we haven't spell out our hopes and dreams for this year beby, so that means we have to meet up cause this is serious matter, we must do it in person! hihihi

i miss you dear. i'll see you soon! :)

*love*

new sensation

santa claus and his herd of reindeer are back at the front yard of Hilton, Kuching. this time of last year, Apiz and i went capturing the beauty of the city at night through the lomo lens. i miss lomo-ing. i miss doing it with Apiz.

i've got a sudden feeling of missing taking picture together with Apiz, as in having my picture taken with Apiz in it. now that is a brand new feeling that i've never felt before. ooh i'm so over the moon by having this feeling alone~ afterall, it all started with a photo, WE started with a photo. i'll save that for later ;)

ps: i love you

10 things i hate about you:

1. i hate that you are far, making it hard for me to bear the feelings of missing you, having no one to run to when the day gets dark

2. i hate that i'm reminded of you everytime i see my baby cats because their watery and dark eyes kinda remind me of yours

3. i hate that i have to go to the vet by my own without you because one of the babies are having constant eye boogers and most of the time he can't see :( and most of the time he doesn't know where his momy is

4. i hate that it's the festive season, and you are still not here, and apparently everyone is not here

5. i hate the way you make me feel guilty for hurting you, eventhough i am to blame

6. i hate the way you're being all sweet even when i'm in my meanest self

7. i hate that sometimes you dont get what i'm saying and you'll say something else about another thing and we'll start rowing over each other

8. i hate that you always give in to me, just genuinely wants me to be happy and not give up on me :')

9. i hate your somet

10. but mostly i hate, the way i dont hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

(i just have to use the line from 10 things i hate about you for number 10, because it is just perfect where it is)

this is something i doodled when i was in a bus, on my way back to KL from a one day trip to Melaka to see Apiz :) and i think this so-called art piece should be about three years old by now. it was one of the best days i had as a student, a friend and a lover :)

Apiz Dear, i miss everything about you!!

50 sen

i always sucks at goodbyes. especially when it comes to saying goodbye to Apiz. even the daily goodbye uttered every time he sends me back home after an outing together, that is hard too. tee-hee! today's goodbye was also hard, but i played it cool. i did my very best not to break down into tears in front of you beby, but shamefully i already did last night before you came with motor gangster ;p by the time i reach home this morning, i felt empty already, having to think of Apiz is already halfway across the sea. no more late night teasing, no more rushing for movies, no more fighting for cheese, no more punching and slapping - at least not in the near future. thank God my day turned out good in the evening and gets better at night. actually tonight was superb. haven't laughed my anak tekak out like just now in a long time. and never before i've seen anyone who're really curious who eats all types of biskut raya there is on the table. thank you Kak Nadea and Kak Yan. hehe

despite all, i still miss Apiz and i always want to be close to you, and above all, i want my 50sen :) :)

i want!

i long for the beach..

i want to see the SUN during sunrise..

i miss Apiz..

i want to go to the beach with Apiz and watch the sunrise :)

reliving the moment

there are things in life that are so truly beautiful that cant be captured through the lens of the camera. be it digital camera, classic oldskool camera or a hi-tech SLR; none can capture the beauty which lies in front of the naked eyes. like the recurring identical houses in Jalan Bangkok, Penang – which caught me in awe when a friend first brought me to that street. standing at one end of the street, the similar pattern of old building design on both sides of the street create a perfect perspective vision thru the lens of the naked eye, but through the lens of the camera, it will only send the message of a bunch of old looking semi-D’s with outdated design. the viewer of the picture will not experience the beauty of Jalan Bangkok like those who have set foot on the road itself. also, like the face of those whom we love. at times, we may be apart from the person we love, and we’ll miss them like crazy, like we can’t stand another minute without these people being close. at those times, we look for something that could help us ease the feeling and make us feel better, at least a little bit. we try look for a picture in the pictures folder, or an album; we look into the inbox of our hps to find an old text; we look into the box to search for the gift they gave us once; we look everywhere to get anything that could remind us of them that might just help us miss those people less. we might find those things, and they could help us a little. some might smile or laugh just by looking at what was found. some might smile and cry for what found was comforting, yet at the same time the feeling is still there, may be greater. i myself have looked into the album – both the book and inside my hard disk – to find a picture of him that could help me relive the recent two days of my life when we spend most of the waking hours together. and what did i found? nothing. why? cause the dummy me didn’t even take a picture of him at that time. why? simply because i was so bahagia at that time and i realised i could only experience it alive at that time, and my camera couldn’t capture that moment as beautifully as my heart. so i put my camera aside, and just live that moment then. and now, i’m reliving it in my head, everything is still fresh like it just happened just now. the memory might slowly fade as i grow older by day – unlike the memory printed on a picture – but i’m happy that i fully rejoice the moment by heart and not wasted a single minute trying to put an incomparable feeling on a film.

so people, if you ever come across a place or a moment that are just too good to be fitted in the tiny viewfinder of your camera, just forget about the device for a tiny moment. even if you’re a loyal lomographer who bows to rule #2, just let that toy camera hang loosely on your neck for a while. just enjoy what’s before you full-heartedly and you won’t regret it. now, go find that special moment!

p/s: i still miss u despite all the writings :)