greetings people.
so i am in this melancholy state right now. i woke up with this smile on my face, only its upside down. i woke up by the harsh unpalatable dream, which might be caused from the way i took off to the lala land last night. or maybe my paranoia was translated into the dream? so the uneasy feeling from the night before has dragged me to the state that i am right now, affecting my sleep and affecting my mood, and definitely affecting the people around me when i'm walking around with a frown.
''you broke my heart"
i fear those words. i think that would be the words i want to hear last in my entire life. cause i heard it once, said to me by a dear friend. and it broke my heart that someone i cared a lot uttered something like that to my face, when i didnt know exactly what i did to do such damage to her. but i believed her, that she was heartbroken because of something i might accidentally did to her without realising it. and i was very very sorry for it, i still am sorry today. as i said, it was heartbreaking as well to know that i just broke someone's heart, especially when it is someone i care so much about. so i tried so much in my life not to say those four words to anyone. eventhough if it means my heart will be crushed and stamped over and over again. but i have my limit, we all do. so right now i want that one person to know that, 'you broke my heart' and i'm truly sorry that i have to tell you so. but it does really hurt that i wanted to drop down at your feet and cry my heart out. i have so many things to tell you but i know you wont listen. making you listen, and fail would add up to the number of pieces that my heart was already broken into. dont say i didnt try, cause i did. yes you heard me but you dont listen to what i'm saying. you look at me but you dont really see whats in front of you. you said you get me but you dont really try to understand how it feels inside.
i used to be this reserved person, a very private person. if someone really knows that side of me, i think it would be Asha. i dont know why, but i like to personalise my things. i like to keep my feelings and emotions inside to myself, far far away from the world to know. a friend once said i hide my emotions really well that it doesnt show on my face whether i have problem or if my heart is hurting. i always had my calm face on me, though my mind and my heart sang a different story. i am still that person today, maybe a bit if not much. i still want my life to be kept private as much as i could. i still dont want the whole world to know everything about me. cause i only want those who really know me and want to know me to really know me beneath the surface. i dont easily open up to people. i'm a pistanthrophobic. but once i let you into my world, i wont easily forget you, and i'll show you around my humble and colourful world. i'll share my candies with you, we can hug and hold hands, we can kiss and i promise wont tell, we can colour each others' hair, i will tell you everything you want to know about me, i will put your name next to mine as the co-owner of this bubbly world of ours. if you're honest, you'll stay. but if you're only in for a price, i woudnt want to look at you even if you come with a free gift.
but after you broke my heart, i am kind of being pushed back harshly into my shell. the colourful surrounding starts to fade a little. some has turned into gray. i am scared of what our world would become tomorrow with us not holding hands skipping across the valley together. i still want to catch butterflies in the park with you, i still want you to sleep on my shoulder, i always want us to be happy forever. but you're not doing the tango right.
can we polish up our steps and sway gracefully across the garden again, please?
