love story

a love story i live by:

'you should trust me with your life~' she said.
and he DID.

enough said

this is actually RM10. just too unjust.

paradoxical

i'm tired of giving. i'm tired of having to care what others feel and think. i'm tired of being tolerant. i'm tired of having to cancel my own appointment so i can make an appoinment with you. i'm tired of postponing my plans so yours can go smoothly first. i'm tired of being 'the sweet friend' who always give you gifts. but really, i did them all purely with all the honesty and emphaty that i have in my heart. just to see others happy. and to be remembered, at the very least. but in the end, i'm not as happy.

hours ago, i decided to stop giving. at least for a while, and see what will come my way. will i get back what i've given before? will they wonder why i stop giving and turned into a cold hearted bitch? as all those thoughts float through my brain, i am reminded by the yellow traffic light flickering ahead me. i am practically hitting my own head on the wheel. i AM in a mission to give which is why i woke up early this morning. i am driving, making my way to the florist to get some flowers for someone..

sunyi sepi

i either scream or cry.
i either crawl or standstill.

i respect the way you could stand so strong despite what happened.
i admire you didn't lose your sense of humor after all you've been through.
i think highly of your sacrifices you made for the betterment of the people around you.
i look up at what you have, and who you are, and where you stand today.

i want to smile and jump.
i want to laugh and run in circles.
i want to be like you.

but its easier to cry. even easier when no one's around. much easier when no one asked.

but its hard to shed the first tear. tell me how pls...

which is better?

smart with an attitude

             -or-

not-so-smart with a big heart

a model in me

suddenly i feel like learning everything. from creative writing to forensic science. can aa?

cute story of the day: 

me: if i want to further my studies taking master, what course you advice me take?

Mak: interior design. it'll compliment your QS degree.

me: if i want to take fashion design can ah?

Mak: why? you want to become a model is it?

 -_-''

ps: of course it took place in sarawakian dialect which makes it even cuter

my bachelorette party

i get out of the van and walk to the SUV across the lot. my instinct says i have to meet these people, and these people want to see me. there are two tough looking guys - which i think are twins - in the driver's seat and front seat, both wearing shades and looking serious like some important person's bodyguards or so, and so i greet the woman in the backseat . she wants to do some tests on me. she says, 'have you ever been involved with any gays?' i raise both my eyebrows. 'gays? no!' i pause and continue, 'unless my boyfriend is a gay.' i let out a nervous laugh and quickly add 'but he's not.' the woman look up at me with an irky smile. i convince her, 'no. he's not.' and so the test begins. she gives some instructions and i pull out my top. the woman was about to pull out her top too and i snap at her 'you're a lesbian!' thats when she laughs uncontrollably together with the two men. and thats when i realise it's a prank. the two men are gays and they are nice. i admire their acting. i say to the guys, 'get out of the car. i want to have pictures with you!' they love that idea and promise to give the best pose and say, 'terbaek!!'.

the best part is, the mastermind behind all this is, no other than my boyfriend-who-is-not-a-gay. he appears from nowhere in a uniform which includes a police hat and is ready to give his best performance as a performer in my bachelorette party...

poignant-ly

prologue:

the evenings do not feel the same lately. it used to be calming and soothing. ironically, it is filled with emptiness these days despite of raya was here yesterday. it does bring back the memory of staying in one late evening four years ago, though. it could be the result of you draining out of this cozy zone of ours leaving me in this corner, alone and clueless. you've got to do what you've got to do, i get it. so this is me accepting whats before me.

for five years, i've came home to Kuching a few days before raya and gone back to KL a few days after the celebration. i must say, it is the norm of being a Kuchingite studying in the Peninsular Malaysia. those who have to ride on that plane across the country - including me once upon a time ago, would feel devastated and refused to go back to their unis or workplaces too soon as being home in Kuching with family and friends feels much better than staying in unfamiliar places especially when comes the aidilfitri festival. i was in this situation before. i could feel a big lump forming in my heart as i leave me family behind waving goodbyes 10 metres away. i could feel my legs getting heavier with each steps i took to the immigration check-in counter. i could feel the nausea of having to board a one hour and 45 minutes ride on an airplane and arrived on another land in spite of still being in the same country. i would cry once i reached my room with the memory of the first few days of raya still playing in my mind. and i would lose my appetite for days as the result of being homesick. i was there, i've done that. this year, as i am now not a student no more, i was in Kuching months before raya and i am planning to stay even months after raya. i may not feel as devastated as before, but i feel worse. as people slowly flock out of Kuching, i silently watch Kuching gets quieter by minute. it is painful and sad to watch them go away from Kuching even for a good cause - cousins going back to their unis, brother packing up things to get back to workplace, friends rushing to have an evening out together not wanting to miss the opportunity of being here in Kuching. and that is not all. it is also heartbreaking to watch the streets and roads get dark again without the festivities light of raya; to see the most bright and happy house being dark and dull after a week of raya; to be alone in the car cruising round the town not knowing where to stop for a drink; to come back home without the usual sound and sight of brothers playing PS3; and not having to look up at the sky every half an hour to watch the bright colourful fireworks dancing proudly above our heads.

so for those who are still feeling homesick of your hometown after a great week of raya, or even for those who are still in your hometown whom are waiting for your time to leave, just remember, you are not the only one feeling all sad and miserable. those whom you left behind are feeling more poignant than you are to have pick the pieces you left when you're gone, especially your parents.

so cherish where you are today, literally ;)


fireworks on the eve of raya 2009 : viewing from my house, with Mak, Abang and Farhana :) :)

50 sen

i always sucks at goodbyes. especially when it comes to saying goodbye to Apiz. even the daily goodbye uttered every time he sends me back home after an outing together, that is hard too. tee-hee! today's goodbye was also hard, but i played it cool. i did my very best not to break down into tears in front of you beby, but shamefully i already did last night before you came with motor gangster ;p by the time i reach home this morning, i felt empty already, having to think of Apiz is already halfway across the sea. no more late night teasing, no more rushing for movies, no more fighting for cheese, no more punching and slapping - at least not in the near future. thank God my day turned out good in the evening and gets better at night. actually tonight was superb. haven't laughed my anak tekak out like just now in a long time. and never before i've seen anyone who're really curious who eats all types of biskut raya there is on the table. thank you Kak Nadea and Kak Yan. hehe

despite all, i still miss Apiz and i always want to be close to you, and above all, i want my 50sen :) :)

the fighter

call me outdated. coz i am. i dont read the newspapers, i dont watch prime news at 8pm. i still think that i'm a kid that does not need to bother about the happenings around the world, but at the same time wanting to be treated like an adult.

back to me being outdated, earlier today while cleaning the house, my mom found and article about the murder of Marwa Ali El-Sherbini and showed it to me. it was dated back in July 2009. some may have read the story from somewhere else, but i bet some have not heard of it, like me. right? ;p i have goosebumps after finish reading the article. the full article can be found on utusan malaysia online. wikipedia also has a good way of telling the story.

briefly, Marwa was an Egyptian woman who moved to German in 2008 with her family. she was verbally abused in a quarrel at a playground by a man called Alex W over a swing played by Marwa's son and Alex's niece. she was called 'Islamist', 'terrorist' and 'slut' by Alex for wearing the hijaab. others who were at the playground tried to stop Alex but he continued assaulting Marwa with his words until the police arrived. he was charged with defamation and was found guilty with a fine of 780 Euro. Alex then insulted Marwa again and this time publicly in the trial room thus causing him a higher conviction and an appeal hearing was held on July 1, 2009. on that day, after Marwa has testified, Alex walked across the room and stabbed Marwa about 18 times in front of all presence while shouting 'you dont desrve to live!'. Marwa's husband, Elwi Ali Okaz tried to protect her wife but was also stabbed by Alex. there wasnt a single security officer in the court room that day but luckily there was a policeman who was testifying over a different case nearby and he was called to the rescue. the policeman wrongly shot Elwi's leg for he mistook Elwi for the attacker. Elwi was seriously injured and went into a coma for two days, while Marwa couldnt make it and died on the scene. Alex was arrested there and then.

what's worse is that Marwa's three year-old-son was also in the room the day his parents were stabbed, and even worst: Marwa was pregnant with her second child at that time which was only three months old in her womb.

this might happened two months back, but the impact of it will never be outdated.